walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
