It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
