Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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