Pappa wants mamma naked
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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