Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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