I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
