I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
