I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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