The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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