seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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