i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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