Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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