sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize