Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
