he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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