ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
