there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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