it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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