i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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