this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
