but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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