Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
