Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think my fart just growled at me.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she told me i tasted like america
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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