Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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