Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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