I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
