Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
