90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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