we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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