I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
