So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
