Sorry, I don't speak sober.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
