Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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