someone threw a dead crab at me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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