Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
