My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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