i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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