The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize