I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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