Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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