Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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