Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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