I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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