Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
