some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
