I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
