I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
