dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
