For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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