id be glad to
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
