I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
