Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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