They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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