time to smoke my breakfast
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The uberlube is also flammable
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
