what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
