I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize