I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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