so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
