Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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