I wish you could order shots online.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
