Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
