Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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