hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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