I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I didn't notice because vodka
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
